Online Dating And He's Just Not "In It" For Love

Copyright (c) 2011 Dirk Sayers

A couple weeks ago, I ran across an article on one of the many blogs I crawl from time to time, entitled "5 Signs He's Not In It for Love," by Alina Mikos. She offers a cogent feminine perspective that many men would do well to read. But it's only half the picture and in the interest of balance, I couldn't resist offering another point of view for my readers in making the best of their online dating experiences. Her five signs he's not "in it" for love were:

1. He's always checking out other women.
2. Every good deed seems to come with strings.
3. He doesn't make an effort to spend quality time with you.
4. He doesn't share much of himself.
5. He only shows interest in you as it relates to him.

Reasonable enough at first blush, but let's take them in order and look a little deeper.

#1. He's always checking out other women. What? Women never check out other men? Of course he checks out other women. It doesn't necessarily mean he is not "in it" for love. It just means his eyes still work. He looks for reasons as old as the caves. Expect it: guys in particular are visual. Don't make him wrong for it. Instead, use it to your advantage. Encourage it and pay attention to what catches his eye. It can help you draw him even closer.

#2. Every good deed seems to come with strings. I agree. This attitude is problematic when you run into it. In fact, this is one of the 3 "C"s I write about often; Content, Context and Comfort. This observation pertains to Comfort; specifically his interest in your comfort, irrespective of quid pro quo. And if he isn't interested in your Comfort now, it won't get better later. Time to go, before you become too attached. If you're already there, you can always try changing him...(good luck). In most cases, you're better off moving on, before your relationship becomes a one-way energy black hole.

#3. He doesn't make the effort to spend quality time with you. This one's tricky. Remember that guys (with notable exceptions) tend to need/want more space than women. This a Content issue, another of the 3 "C"s I write about. You absolutely should spend quality time together. If you feel this is a problem, my immediate question is have you found things you both like to do (besides the obvious); things both of you consider to be "quality time?" If not, invent some; or get used to the fact that quality time will have to work around all the other things you both like to do on your own. When all the dust clears, that's likely to feel a little hollow.

#4. He doesn't share much of himself. Alina offers the opinion that guys in love will necessarily want to share their dreams, goals and fears, as well as the kind of day he had. Really? The world is full of guys who can't wait to leave their day behind them. You, in fact, may be the best part of his day. That he's not sharing the details of his work day (for example) doesn't mean they don't love you. Ditto for goals, fears and dreams. You'll get a broad overview, in the early stages of courtship, especially if you ask. If you don't ask, he may keep his dreams to himself for reasons that have nothing to do with his feelings about you. Perhaps he's uncertain if he can deliver on his dreams and doesn't want to raise expectations he can't fulfill. Fears? He's likely to keep to them to himself; especially if he's afraid of acknowledging them. Getting him to open up about them may require you to ask, cajole; and to open up about things that are inherently very private to you. Like the shadowy realm of your sexual fantasies, for example. Not the same thing, you say? Sure it is. We all have things that make us squirm.

#5. He only shows interest in you as it relates to him. Okay. I agree that he needs to make room for the unique you that you are, at some point. But a plea for sanity, here. Men do not simply blossom one day into paragons of love and caring over night, for the same reason perfectly wonderful women need to learn how to love their men without smothering them. Unless the guy has already been there, done that, he will probably need not only LEARN to love you, but also HOW. One of the most certain ways to disappointment I can think of when it comes to men, is to expect them to understand you perfectly.

The foregoing are observations are true, no matter how you meet. If you're meeting online, it's not unreasonable to expect he's learned some of these lessons, especially if he's north of 30. They're likely to know a few things about what women in general are likely to cons women's jackets ider a balanced relationship. But he won't know the specifics as they apply to you: help him learn.

Please note I said help him learn, NOT teach. There's a world of difference between facilitating learning and teaching him a lesson; the most obvious difference being whether he's sticks around to learn the next one. Wise women know this. They also know that indicators of any feeling (like Alina's five signs) are subject to interpretation. Lastly, they realize that love is interactive and interwoven with their own behaviors. Most men are capable of love. It takes the right approach (just as it does with women) for it to grow.